Codependency in Marriage | How Codependency Ruin Marriages

Codependency in Marriage – How It Ruins Your Partnership


Co-dependency occurs when one partner has trouble controlling impulses, is self absorbed, has an addiction or has a chronic or mental illness. This leads to the other partner, who is the co-dependent one, to becoming the caretaker who tries to protect and save their partner in a never ending cycle. It’s a recurring pattern of one partner trying everything to make the relationship work while the other partner refuses to change or contribute to the relationship. Co-dependency ruins relationships because only one person is giving while the other one continually takes and never reciprocates or reciprocates only enough to keep their partner controlled. This is the foundation of how co-dependency can ruin a marriage.

Co-dependency leads to a one sided relationship. It is unhealthy love and leads the co-dependent partner to passive and their partner’s needs and wants about their own. The co-dependent partner places their needs at a lower priority and focuses on trying to fix their partner. They are preoccupied with fulfilling the needs of that partner. They become fixated on winning the approval of their partner or they feel they are saving the relationship. As odd as it sounds, the receive gratification by feeling they are the strong one or the only one who can save the relationship. This pattern of behavior undermines what the foundation of a true relationship is based on. There is no mutual reciprocation.

Often co-dependent partners were raised in abusive (physical or sexual) situations or are the children of addicts. In a way they were raised to be perfect co-dependent people. The co-dependent partner lives at the whim of the controlling one. It is up to the co-dependent partner to realize the situation and to reclaim their identity. You need to understand how co-dependency may be ruining your marriage. If you feel you may be in a co-dependent relationship, see if you recognize the pattern of these classic co-dependent statements:

  • I minimize my feelings.
  • I perceive myself as unselfish and committed to caring for others.
  • I put aside my feelings and needs to please others.
  • I have to feel “needed”.
  • I agree with others to avoid conflict or rejection.
  • I am the only one who can help my partner.
  • I value other’s feelings more than my own.
  • I don’t feel I deserve any better.

If you can relate to the above statements and you have a partner who is controlling, is an addict, is indifferent to your needs or refuses to value you then it is time to take a closer look at yourself and what you are settling for. Not only are you allowing a co-dependent relationship, you are most likely actually fueling it, whether you realize it or not. You may feel gratified by feeling you are the “strong” one of the one who is “saving” your partner but this is no substitute for true gratification and self esteem.

In reality, your co-dependence can be ruining your marriage because your spouse has no reason to change because you are rewarding them for their negative behavior. You are shielding them from the consequences of their behavior. You are continually devaluing yourself and destroying your self esteem. When you do not value yourself, you cannot expect others to value you and there can’t be a healthy relationship in those circumstances.

You can try to confront your partner and enter counseling but your spouse has to want to change. There is nothing more you can do to fix them. It is up to them. It is time for you to realize that even if you can’t save them or the relationship that you can save yourself. You are worthy of being loved and valued and you should no longer settle for anything less.

Yes! I Want To Save My Marriage and I Want To Be Happy With My Spouse!

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